working mom

Business Maya

Momma Maya

The internal struggle of a working mom. I read a whole book about this before having Zane and I thought "Oh, that won't happen to me." Yet here I am about 6 weeks into being back at work and it's happening. It's not so much the feeling that I should be home with Zane...I know it was good for me to be back at work and it continues to be. The struggle I'm having is more about how I'm feeling about myself...my identity.

I love being a mom and I love being a "business woman." So how do the two flush together? Maybe it's just me but I feel like people treat me differently now that I'm a mom. They are either more understanding or the exact opposite - expect more out of me than before. I'm not sure how to handle the latter. I have lots of things on the horizon and plan, as always, to take them on full force, but some people seem to not trust me to be capable of doing those things. And that's okay I guess, I have to prove myself. I just think I have to prove it a little more than others for some reason. Maybe it's my age and now that I'm a mom on top of that, I'm sure that adds to perceptions.

It's hard to turn off and on the business aspect of life when I get home sometimes. I want things on a schedule and accomplished like in the business setting. However, as all you parents know, that no longer is our lives. While we take Zane out and don't let him completely dictate our schedule, he still has needs and those have to be met and sometimes they're on a regular schedule and sometimes he chooses to poop 4 times in a row, each timed after you've just re-dressed him, and you're trying to leave to be someplace on time. And he could care less, he just smiles as you change him again.

I just feel the pressure of both right now...wanting to be successful at both. But what truly is success? Both in business and motherhood. If Zane grows up to be a CEO was I a successful mom? But what if he's that and he's not happy at all...don't think I was so successful then in teaching him what really mattered in life. Am I successful at work if I become a partner one day or is it more about helping move the company in the right direction? Who knows how to measure these things and really should we? But for some reason society puts pressure on us...especially as women in these areas. All this recent press on whether you're an Alpha Mom or a Beta Mom. Studies that show whether children thrive with two working parents or fail to thrive because of it. It all just confuses me more.

Maybe my new identity is the combination of both, with a third and fourth thrown in there of wife and volunteer. Two other "identities" that I have. More confusion...really do I need to be pigeon-holing myself into one of these...no. I just need to be comfortable with all of them and realize I'll struggle with the tug and pull of each. I can only try my best and hope that what I'm doing is right and have faith in that.