thoughts while at target

As I walked through Target the other night I caught myself doing what I do best in Target, browsing for things I don't really need. I had a list and the goal to be in and out in 15 minutes to be home in time for Zane's dinner, and oh yea, to make sure we ate dinner too.

I walk in and watch the cart before me make it's way towards the clothes, wait no it shifted first to the purses. Like I need another one of those! I have a ton and only switch between two that can fit all my stuff plus some pacifiers, burb cloths and whatever else I may need out of the diaper bag. So it again shifts back to the clothes. I walk through looking at all the new fall stuff. Why am I doing this? I have tubs of clothes in the attic that I just need to try on again. I can probably fit back into them by now, well at least I hope I can "squeeze" back into them. I need a new dress for two weddings we have coming up. Do I really need it though? Don't I have something I could put together? Maybe I don't because I did go through my clothes and give a ton away. Hmmm...that might be the only real thing I can justify buying, so why am I holding up another shirt that probably looks like all the ones I already have at home?

I finally make my way through the clothes and head to the baby section...this destination was much easier as I avoid all the cutesy things and go straight for what was on my list. After picking up formula and diapers I'm lost for words, there goes all the money. But yet I head back to the shoes because, maybe they have new ones since the last time I was at Target, which was last week! Actually they do have new ones, and boots at that. But I'm not ready to consider new boots because I've hung onto mine for so long and they are truly broken in. I wonder if mine will get through another winter with tiny holes at the bottom of my toes? Probably not, mental note to look the next time I'm there to prepare for winter wear.

As I'm ringing up I feel guilty suddenly. I did manage to avoid buying any clothes or shoes but did grab a new pair of sunglasses because I broke mine in North Carolina. I look around and see all of the families ringing up their back-to-school supplies. Some families have the cart filled with clothes, shoes, notebooks, the latest and greatest back pack and others have the necessities, what was on the list the school provided. I watch one mom tell her child that no he cannot have the movie at the end of the check out line because he doesn't need it. They have plenty of things at home.

And then it hits me...what will I teach my child about his needs vs. his wants. And being in middle suburbia, what will he learn by just being surrounded with others his age? Will he want to be in one of those big houses with a basement and each child has their own room? Will he wish he had his own brand new BMW to drive into the school lot on the first day of school (because we saw this as we dropped him off at my mom's - all the kids lined up in their shiny new cars waiting at the stop light to head to school). Will he wonder why his mom just bought a new pair of sunglasses when he just saw a pair in the laundry room?

It seems stressful to me...a lot of weight on my shoulders to instill these things into our children. To teach him that not everyone lives like he does or definitely not like the community we are in. That there are those out there that just hope they have food on the table. That some people have to live with holes in their shoes and feel the cold snow on their feet for years? How do I make sure he understands that? How do my actions speak to that? And how do we raise him so he cares about those people instead of just ignoring it?

But then how do we make sure he has fun too? And that he can enjoy some things, but that there's a balance? When people said this parenting thing was hard I didn't take into account all the foundations you lay for them...