thoughts at 3:30 am

We've been breaking Zane of his pacifier habit. The first two nights were rough and now it seems to be going much better. He even seems to have dropped the need for it during naps.

I wrote this the other day after being up with him on one of his bad nights...

It's so late yet I can't hold you close enough. As I rock I can feel your head getting heavier and heavier on my shoulder. I feel your breathing slow down to deep sleepy breaths. Our breathing begins to get on beat with each other but your's is still a wee bit faster than mine. I can see the back of your head through the fraction of light from the night light and I lean in to smell your precious head.

I know you're asleep but decide to rock you for 15 more minutes because I don't want the moment to pass. I miss these moments and now that you're on the move we don't get to have these as much. So I'll take it at 3:30 in the morning and not complain.

Your head is now in the complete sleep heaviness. I think about how I felt almost a year ago, how confused I was with this new title called Mother. And then I think not only how my life has changed because I am a Mother but how you've made me look at myself more than I ever have before. I'm more focused because of you. Knowing that one day you'll ask me why I do what I do has made me look at my life in different ways. I'm re-focusing and taking a look at ways to live each day joyfully. You've challenged me spiritually to commit myself completely to what I believe in, not half-hearted.

You've done all of this without ever speaking a word. God brought you to me to help transform me this year into a person, a Mother, I couldn't picture 11 months ago when I held you just the same I do tonight.