thinking back on fears

I had a good cry the night before I went into labor. Something just hit me and I told Pat how scared I was. How scared I was of how our lives were going to change and would there be enough time to focus on our relationship. I was scared of becoming a mother and what that meant for me emotionally and physically. I was scared of failing and scared of labor hurting. Scared of lack of sleep and scared of how my co-workers would treat me once I returned. I was scared of people judging us as parents and friends behaving differently around us or not inviting us out anymore. I just sobbed and Pat held me.

Two nights later Pat came over to tell me that my son's lip was quivering just like mine when I was crying that night. I could hear him screaming his lungs out as the nurses cleaned him up. And from that moment on so many of those fears seemed to subside. I'm still scared of all of those things - but I'm taking them on. I'm adjusting like I didn't think I would.

Our routine is setting into place and it seems a bit crazy. But yet I feel refreshed. I feel more confident. I'm feeling more put together. I'm still struggling with post-pregnancy body image but will get through that. I was lucky and really didn't have any meltdowns after having Zane. I could still have them and I'm sure that I will but we have been showered with so much support from friends and family that just when we feel completely stressed, someone steps into to help us without us even asking or hinting. And Pat is my teammate, simply put. We team to get things accomplished but yet are smiling through even some of the mundane tasks that come with parenting.

It's interesting to just take a step back and look at your life currently. As I look at mine I think back to that night crying in bed and realize that it's okay to be scared...especially as you become a new parent. And it's okay to have fears but you have to move on through them instead of constantly thinking about them.