eyes wide open

Last night was rough for you. The day ended with a bad diaper rash and a runny nose. We keep saying it’s teething, but we don’t know for sure. It feels like there’s a bump under that gum and you’ve started taking your tongue and pressing it there. The drool is non-stop and now the nose is right there with it.

But at night we feel the worst for you. Whoever said it didn’t affect sleep? You begin to cry and we wait awhile but this is different. It’s not your usual cry for 5-10 minutes and pass out. It’s a different cry. Last night after the third wake up call I decided to change your diaper and re-lube you up. I could have just placed you back in bed and you would have slept but I wanted to hold you, even though it was 2:30 am. It was the night before my day off so I thought I’d get some cuddle time with you. I sat in the chair, held you close and rocked you. You never fell asleep, you just laid on my chest with your eyes looking straight up at mine. You fought so hard for those eyes to stay open and focused on me. I put you down and sat back in the chair and through the slats I could see your eyes still focused on me, sleepy eyes closing and then abruptly opening to check if I was still there. I woke up 30 minutes later to the sound of your deep breaths and the scene of closed eyes. I sat there for a moment and wondered what you were thinking as you checked over and over to make sure I was still there. You were so focused you just couldn’t let yourself fall to the exhaustion.

In this new motherhood thing, to be honest, I’ve been struggling. I am truly enjoying it but I’m struggling more with who I am now. How being a mother has changed me and being comfortable with those new shoes. But then you so peacefully stare up at me and I know that it’s okay to be confused. Looking into those eyes I found comfort, maybe not a total clearing of confusion, but comfort in knowing I have been blessed with you as my child to show me new sides of myself I was not aware of prior to little you. To step out and live more, to make room for myself and to be okay that I’m a mom and proud of it.